They did not initiate sex and they were less likely to report thinking about it. This appears to be an adaptive response: If you think your partner might not be in the mood, it seems too risky to get it wrong and experience rejection yet again. It's understandable that someone might not be in the mood for sex if they feel their partner is just looking for a physical release.
But when I work with couples in therapy, I regularly see that a shift can happen when men are able to vocalize that their desire for sex isn't simply about release. Instead, they talk about wanting to connect with and feel close to their partner, and receive validation of their desirability and worth. When their partner hears that their rejection hurts more deeply than they thought, they sometimes reject less often, try to initiate a bit more, or—and this is just as helpful—they become more mindful of rejecting in kinder ways.
YourTango may earn an affiliate commission if you buy something through links featured in this article. This article was originally published at Psychology Today. Reprinted with permission from the author. Sign in. Join YourTango Experts. Photo: weheartit. Sarah Murray. Subscribe to our newsletter. Many men surveyed even said that frequent sexual rejection caused them to pull away and lose interest in sex rather than them brushing off the rejection as no big deal. This doesn't mean that you have to say yes every time your partner wants it.
It's okay to say no when you're truly not in the mood. In fact, most of the men surveyed weren't talking about a rejection every now and again but rather constant rejection from their partners.
Like with most relationship issues, the key is communication. Rather than giving your partner the opportunity to take your rejection the wrong way. Women can explain to their parters why they're not in the mood and that it's not personal. Men can explain to their partners that sex is about connecting for them and not just physical.
They can also explain that the rejection hurts them which may make them think twice about how often they reject and for what reasons. When scientists placed people in functional MRI machines and asked them to recall a recent rejection , they discovered something amazing. The same areas of our brain become activated when we experience rejection as when we experience physical pain.
Evolutionary psychologists believe it all started when we were hunter gatherers who lived in tribes. Since we could not survive alone, being ostracized from our tribe was basically a death sentence.
People who experienced rejection as more painful were more likely to change their behavior, remain in the tribe, and pass along their genes. Of course, emotional pain is only one of the ways rejections impact our well-being. Unfortunately, the greatest damage rejection causes is usually self-inflicted.
Indeed, our natural response to being dumped by a dating partner or getting picked last for a team is not just to lick our wounds but to become intensely self-critical.
We call ourselves names, lament our shortcomings, and feel disgusted with ourselves. In other words, just when our self-esteem is hurting most, we go and damage it even further. Doing so is emotionally unhealthy and psychologically self-destructive yet every single one of us has done it at one time or another. The good news is there are better and healthier ways to respond to rejection, things we can do to curb the unhealthy responses, soothe our emotional pain and rebuild our self-esteem.
Here are just some of them:. By all means, review what happened and consider what you should do differently in the future but there is absolutely no good reason to be punitive and self-critical while doing so. The best way to boost feelings of self-worth after a rejection is to affirm aspects of yourself you know are valuable.
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